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The Baby And I Today

     I just got back not long ago, from the visit with the midwife.  She said that it takes a lot longer to clear a cold than it would with a person not pregnant.  She also said that the coughing also takes longer to develope being pregnant, so no antibiotics yay!  Today there were no tests, wewt, she also said all my tests from last time were all normal.  You know how happy that made me?  Then I told her the increase in my water, she asked my eating habits, I told her, she said I am eating enough.  I am starting to show its really cool that I have a pregnant tummy begining.  I have another ultrasound on Friday, so they can make sure the right date of the baby, and make sure they know for certain how old it is.  She said the baby is strong, which is great to hear! I loved hearing its heartbeat I know its ok and that makes me feel great.  The baby’s heartbeat this time was 165 she said it goes down as the baby gets older, but still 165 that’s fast! When I weighed at the doctor’s office it said I weighed 131, which is what my scale here at home says, though I think both scales are off, because I had clothes on there, and I had to go to use the ladies room because I thought they might make me have to take a pee test again.  My mom did mention my insomnia, and the lady had said that could be due to depression, or due to being pregnant.  Maybe it is because I am battleing depression. 

    I have to exercise today, and I still have to finish up today, even though I am so very tired.  I want to sleep I barely got any last night.  But if I go to sleep then I might sleep the day away.  Oh what fun. The joys of being pregnant and being tired.  I wonder how much depression I am really going through… I talk more about what happens at night and during the day I seem to be drawn away from some of the things I love… Sometimes I wish it had never happened(not the being pregnant part)(the being engaged part) I wish I could go back and change when I first met him… I want to see a different side of me but the sadness, and anger, won’t go away!  You saw my earlier post I am sure where I talked about my beauty… does that say anything for how I feel?  I cry more than I think I should… I want to see the real me, the girl hiding underneath all the pain, but how can I get rid of pain when it won’t leave?  It stays like an endless cycle of the washing machine.  Sometimes I want to hide away, away from the world away from the pain, and be happy again.

    Sometimes I want to be wrapped in someones arms, comforted and told everything is going to be ok, I love you don’t you ever forget that, I am not going to leave you.  And actually mean it! Not just say it because that’s what he thinks should be said.  I want to be with the right man for the rest of my life.  But sometimes I think its impossible who could handle a girl like me? So confused, scarred, scars on my heart, hurt, a total wreck, afraid of getting hurt, of letting someone in… Maybe I am just crazy….


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