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All The Things I Am Thankful For

I know this is really late, and all that, but I wanted to post all 30 of the things I am thankful for this month.

1. God, He is truely amazing because no matter what, even when someone leaves or you stray unintentionally or you sin, or you fall, He still loves you.

2. My family, they have really been supportive and loving through the entire process of having that man leave me standing at the alter.

3. My sister even though she doesn’t understand all of what I have gone through she still loves me and she wants so dearly to be included in all that I do.

4. My friends they have all been there for me, even though I think so little of myself they are very encouraging.

5. My mom, because even though I pushed her away when he was in my life, she still loves me and is very helpful with all of my concerns about the baby.

6. My dad, he is the best I could ever ask for, I am daddy’s little girl, and he only wants what is best for me and Ethan.

7. My beautiful 24 week old son, I know right now he is in my tummy, but I love him dearly and he is giving me such great joy.

8. My midwife, she is so wonderful, and ever so encouraging that the baby is healthy and normal, and that I am doing fine.

9. My dog Reese’s (Yes I am being thankful for my dog) She is there for me even when no one else is and it feels nice to have a companion.

10. I am thankful to be alive, and healthy, strong, so that Ethan won’t have a weak mother.

11. I am thankful mom gets to get her epidural, and that it might cure some of the pain she is under after the car wreck.

12. I am thankful that there are soldiers out there willing to fight for our country, they risk their lives everyday to make sure America is safe.

13. I am thankful that I have finally been able to read my Bible again, and not cry or beat myself up about what happened.

14. I am thankful for the beauty God has given us, if we stop and take a look around we can see how truely amazing the world is.

15. I am thankful that the man I was supposed to marry left, because he did not love me like he claimed, he let family come before me, and that’s not husband matterial.

16. I am thankful that I got to go see my cousins wedding and see her be happy, and so in love with her husband.

17. I am thankful everyday that my family is safe, and that we have a roof to live under and food to eat.

18. I am thankful that for the love I see around me, through my parents, and my grandparents.

19. I am thankful that I am loved, and cared for.

20. I am thankful that my sister is doing well in school, and making amazing progress.

21. I am thankful that I am finally able to drink water, after having such a hard time handling the way it was making me feel.

22. I am thankful that Ethan moves so much it is so exciting to feel him move around and kick me.

23. I am thankful that my sister is excited about having a baby in the house.

24. I am thankful that I have almost made it through another year, and have continued to take care of myself and try to better myself.

25. I am thankful that I am getting to spend this wonderful day with my family, and enjoy the meal that everyone has taken such time to prepare, even though it only lasts for twenty minutes.

26. I am thankful that soon I will be a mother, and that I am finally growing close to my little sister.

27. I am thankful that even though I don’t have a lot of real life friends, I do have a lot of online friends that care about me, and try to be there for me.

28. I am thankful I have been given an opportunity to make things better for Ethan, and to raise him according to God’s standards, and not society’s.

29. I am thankful that my parents love eachother and care so much for eachother.

30. I am thankful for the wonderful month that has been given to me, and I hope and pray that next month is even more wonderful.

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My body, My Mind, Ect.

          For starts, I have never really had a really high selfesteem about myself, I used to at least think I was pretty, but now I look in the mirrior and see a disgraceful, shameful, unworthy person, and sad as it all sounds, it is true. I don’t feel I am worth much at all but here I am fixin to be a mother of a baby, and I think so badly of myself… After the pain of what I have gone through and how my ex fiance made me feel about myself what little selfesteem I had is now gone, I don’t even see a pretty girl anymore I just see a face… Why is it we as women beat our selves up so harshly?  We tend to pick out our worste features of our bodies, and then beat ourselves up.  I used to weigh 190 pounds, I worked really hard and lost 63 pounds I weighed in at 127 before I got pregnant, and I am working hard to tone up my entire body, eat right, drink plenty of water, and all around take care of myself and my baby.  But somehow it just doesn’t seem to make me feel any better about myself… My stomache is my area I wish I could change but people look at me and say I am practicly flat… So why, why do we choose as women to beat ourselves up?  The media does not in any way help how we feel about ourselves, showing these perfect women skinny to the core, no fat, stretch marks, saggy skin, nothing! not a flaw on them, but is it really?  We have no idea what they look like behind closed doors, or how badly they feel about themselves.  The media airbrushes their images making them look perfect, and to us only making us feel even more ashamed of ourselves.  Another bad place that they make us feel bad is when we get pregnant oh they show the perfect imaged celebrities pregnant, perfectly skinny smiling with that baby bump, and then they show after pictures of how flat they are after pregnancy, and I know that a lot of women out there wish they could be that way.  But yet when we aren’t, even when we know they are airbrushed, or they have had tummy tucks and all sorts of surgeries to keep the what society pegs as the perfect body image, we beat ourselves up even more, blaming our eating, our lack of exercise, it ranges with each woman, and it damages what low selfesteem we may already have about ourselves.  It’s really not easy when each woman has gone through anything ranging from losing weight, abuse(from anywhere, and any form), health problems making it much harder for them to lose what weight they have gained from being unable to work out, eating disorders, and here it ranges just as wide…  We as women need to stand up for ourselves, its not easy! And I am just as guilty, I am even going to comment on my own post just so that it has been started and people can see that even a soon to be mother has her own issues.  I know what preassure we are constantly under, from family, friends, the media, society, ourselves(the biggest and hardest one to manage).  We should think better of ourselves, specially when we are pregnant, our bodies are changing, and our stretch marks, or loose skin is all for the sake of bringing a beautiful baby into this world!  So why should we beat ourselves up over the fact that we won’t be flat anymore?  Or won’t have the perfect bodies, no one can be perfect, so then why do we try?

       I have two challenges I want to post here and have people leave comments on, this challenge is not just for women so if your a man and want to post please feel free.

Challenge number 1.  What are some of things that you really wish you could change about yourselves?

Challenge number 2.  What is the thing/things you love most about yourself?

The Baby And I, In The Begining of November

I know it has been a while since I last posted but I have been working on healing and dealing with having been in a hit and run.  The baby is fine, and so is my family which is wonderful, our car has some damage too it, which isn’t bad.  Today I had my 20 week ultra sound and I found out that I am having a wonderful baby boy!  He was healthy and everything looked good, which I was so happy about.  It took me a while to decide if I want to find out or not, and I figured it would be better to find out now then to wait until it was born.  I was a little dissapointed that it was a boy, considering I wanted a girl, but I couldn’t be happier with my little son, he will be brought up for the Lord, and will be a real gentleman.   The boy is very healthy and a very active little thing, I feel him move a lot and he has been moving around and kicking me since I was 16 1/2 weeks a long, granite I am a very skinny girl, healthy but skinny, I ain’t showing majorly but I am showing a bit, so it just looks a bit like I’ve gained some weight.  But it’s really baby.  I have been eating extremely healthy and working very hard to stay active maybe that is why the boy is so active.  😀

      I know that it has been a while since my ex fiance took off, but I still need time to heal, it’s a pain because I want to be loved again, and I want to have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me.  But maybe it’s better that I am having to wait… When I talk to my mom she says I am still healing and that it will happen when the time is right and I am ready for it… But… Sometimes I wish I was ready now I wish that the man of my dreams would come into my life right now and sweep me off my feet.  But eventually he will and I will be ready for him when he does. 

~♥~
I want a love that’s true and dear
One that is really sincere
Maybe it’s just a hopeful dream
Sometimes it so may seem
…But if I wait long enough
That love will come
Through the storm
And shine a light
On this dreary night.
~♥~

If only things worked quickly like we want them too.  I did have fun on halloween I dressed up as a neko, a role play character of mine, and went out with my friend, and my little sister to take her trick or treating.  It was her first time trick or treating and she had a blast!  Another one of my friends lost my trust… she majorly did a big no no, she told something really private and personal off to her boyfriend and her friends after she promised she wouldn’t I used to trust her but now… it makes me wonder why I trusted her so deeply.  

I got a new dog her name is Reeses like the candy, she is a baby Chihuahua and she is the sweetest girl ever, she is really protective of my stomache and I think it’s cute.  I had to get rid of my other dog, Vanilla because she was such a big dog, and because of that, and her jumping up, we were afraid she would hurt my mom whom is dissabled or the baby and I.  But she was the sweetest baby girl you had ever met, and now she is living it up in a home in Florida. 

I get to go to my cousins wedding in a few days, and oh how that makes me so jelous to see her happy after what I have been through.  Heck it makes me jelous to see my parents show eachother affection but my time will come right? Maybe? Someday?  *cries* I just don’t understand why I had to go through what I went through and why the guy I had fallen in love with was not the same guy that walked out of here that day.  But I guess and I know it wasn’t ment for us to get married but its still hard to watch couples and friends whom now have relationships while I am sitting her without one… My heart has healed a lot and I do not want him back in any way shape or form… But it still doesn’t stop how much I wish I had someone loving on me again, and this time truely mean it and not just say it and run when things get hard, that’s not a man its a pussy!

The first of October!

     Well Today is the first of October my how time flys!!!! I got to thinking today, my birthday is this month, so is Halloween! I so want to dress up as a cat, ok well a Neko. Neko=Half human half cat. Plus not only that but my sister gets to go Trick or Treating, She is some kind of Fairy I think it’s something with a wand, But what can you say to a little girl right? Love the whole ordeal about how Halloween gives us a chance to use our imaginations to be something else, I used to be in it for the candy when I was younger. But now I think I’d rather just enjoy it for dressing up. I am not into it like the whole witches and devils thing. Although with as many people probably going to be Alice from Alice and Wonderland and The Mad Hatter from the same, I sugested to my friend that she be the Delinquent Devil instead of Alice. And then I really got to thinking Eventually I am going to have to run my little kid around the neighborhood for halloween, but I think I will go about it differently then just all about candy… Not that candy is a bad thing mind you.

     I had to get rid of my big dog Vanilla.. sadly I was afraid because she was so big and liked to jump up, and the fact that she thinks she is such a small dog, that she would hurt the baby unintentionally once it was born. She was going to be a 135-145 pound dog, big dog.  But a rescue center for her breed of dog, took her and are going to find her a good home which is really relieving to me.

    I have a friend of mine who runs a blog, she has some really interesting stuff on her blog, and I thought as a surprise I would mention it here.  I know she is hosting some sort of Challenge which is pretty cool!  I would participate, but I kind of already have no choice on the whole Challenge thing she is doing anyway :P.  So here is her Blog check it out @ Quilts And Apron Strings

    Let me see I have been working on myself, and when I say that I have gone to drinking nothing but water o my gosh! Do you really honestly know how hard it is to go from drinking Flavored water, to diluted juice to nothing but water? It’s like majorly hard! Six cups everyday, and one glass of milk, 2 fruits, 2 vegitables, and the rest is what ever else I am able to eat.  Going for what my stomache allows.  I have continued to work out, tough as it may be at times, I do it anyways taking it at the pace my body says I can handle each day.

   Lastly, I want to mention that I never thought in a million years, that all of this would happen this year.  It’s all so wonderful and amazing, and I have been truely blessed by God to have such wonderful friends and Family.  Even though I screw up at times, and fail a lot at least I feel like it.

Today!

      Today was so awesome!!! I got the ultrasound done to see exactly how far along my baby really is and it is 14 weeks and 4 days!!! to my amazement I thought I was only 12 weeks! That really explains the increase in energy I have had as well as increase in appetite.  My little sister is so sweet she wanted so badly to come, and she loved seeing the baby in my tummy, and hearing its heart beat!  The baby moved, it moveds it leg and foot, and it waved! I was so happy!  I have tons of pictures now of that cutey!  It was exciting and both my grandparents want to know the sex of the baby… I am not really sure if I want to know or not…

    Other than that today was a drag, I had a cook out with my grandparents and family, and it was ok, I got a major head ache though and it won’t go away… I have also been looking for a small puppy, something that I will feel safe having around a baby as well as something to keep me company on walks but yet to no luck finding one.  I will keep looking though.  

     I know I have been slacking on writing but I have been kind of busy with all the appointments and taking care of spring cleaning which by the way, don’t over do when pregnant, (not a good thing when pregnant!!!!) I went into the kitchen and wiped down all the cabinets and really got everything looking awesome, we have dogs, so the dust and hair can really gather up quick.  One of our dogs is in heat poor thing she is so little and has absolutely no idea what is going on, its kind of funny though to watch her lay around like some women have to do on their periods.

The Baby And I Today

     I just got back not long ago, from the visit with the midwife.  She said that it takes a lot longer to clear a cold than it would with a person not pregnant.  She also said that the coughing also takes longer to develope being pregnant, so no antibiotics yay!  Today there were no tests, wewt, she also said all my tests from last time were all normal.  You know how happy that made me?  Then I told her the increase in my water, she asked my eating habits, I told her, she said I am eating enough.  I am starting to show its really cool that I have a pregnant tummy begining.  I have another ultrasound on Friday, so they can make sure the right date of the baby, and make sure they know for certain how old it is.  She said the baby is strong, which is great to hear! I loved hearing its heartbeat I know its ok and that makes me feel great.  The baby’s heartbeat this time was 165 she said it goes down as the baby gets older, but still 165 that’s fast! When I weighed at the doctor’s office it said I weighed 131, which is what my scale here at home says, though I think both scales are off, because I had clothes on there, and I had to go to use the ladies room because I thought they might make me have to take a pee test again.  My mom did mention my insomnia, and the lady had said that could be due to depression, or due to being pregnant.  Maybe it is because I am battleing depression. 

    I have to exercise today, and I still have to finish up today, even though I am so very tired.  I want to sleep I barely got any last night.  But if I go to sleep then I might sleep the day away.  Oh what fun. The joys of being pregnant and being tired.  I wonder how much depression I am really going through… I talk more about what happens at night and during the day I seem to be drawn away from some of the things I love… Sometimes I wish it had never happened(not the being pregnant part)(the being engaged part) I wish I could go back and change when I first met him… I want to see a different side of me but the sadness, and anger, won’t go away!  You saw my earlier post I am sure where I talked about my beauty… does that say anything for how I feel?  I cry more than I think I should… I want to see the real me, the girl hiding underneath all the pain, but how can I get rid of pain when it won’t leave?  It stays like an endless cycle of the washing machine.  Sometimes I want to hide away, away from the world away from the pain, and be happy again.

    Sometimes I want to be wrapped in someones arms, comforted and told everything is going to be ok, I love you don’t you ever forget that, I am not going to leave you.  And actually mean it! Not just say it because that’s what he thinks should be said.  I want to be with the right man for the rest of my life.  But sometimes I think its impossible who could handle a girl like me? So confused, scarred, scars on my heart, hurt, a total wreck, afraid of getting hurt, of letting someone in… Maybe I am just crazy….

Today, Me, And The Shreemp.

     I have to say, life seems so amazing, since he left, and if he ever tried to talk to me, I’d have to tell him I have nothing to say to him except thank you.  I know a month ago I would of loved to have cut him down, now I just want to thank him. Thank him 

      I am excited to see so many of my friends so happy and in love, or married, its wonderful if you think about it!  But sometimes it depresses me to see so many of them happy.  But I remember theres God, my family, and friends who love me for now thats enough! 

      So, when I look in the mirrior I don’t really see a very pretty girl, or a beautiful girl.  I am not very comfortable with myself sometimes, and I don’t know what the guys in my neighborhood are staring at.  My parents and friends all say I am a very pretty girl or are very beautiful but, I don’t see it.  I know I should think a little bit more highly of myself, but how can I when I don’t feel it?  When I look in the mirrior and I just see me, nothing special about myself.  I think maybe the only pretty thing I see is my eyes, it’s like there is endless joy hiding in them, even though they cry sometimes more than I am used to them crying. 

        Today I have my appointment with my midwife I hope that goes well considering it’s my second appointment, and I really want to know if the baby is ok.  I want another ultrasound I want to hear that baby’s heart again! So I am way too excited!  I know I am still freaking out, watching my weight go up, after I worked hard to lose 65 pounds! and now I am going to gain half of that back! lol.  But Hey it won’t be hard to lose it considering I take care of myself! I continue to work out, and I will continue even after that baby is born.  I want that baby to have a very healthy mother, whom it will have to take care of it.  Ok so I have been asked by people if I planned to breastfeed, and I shocked a lot especially my midwife when I said yes.  I guess because most people would rather stick a bottle in the baby’s mouth than take the time to bond with the baby by breastfeeding it.   I know some people feel it means your spoiling the child, but call me old fashioned! It’s not it is actually better to breastfeed the baby it helps with so many things that regular formula cannot do.  I don’t bash anyone who would rather feed their child formula, that’s your own choice, but like I don’t bash you, they shouldn’t in turn bash us for wanting to feed our child by what God actually gave us breast for.  Oh and then my mom and dad have this dissagreement on cloth diapers.  I have no idea what I want to use, regular or cloth, and its funny to listen to them talk about it, she is for them, he isn’t. lol! They don’t argue but it is deffinetly something I have to decide on and I have no idea yet, the baby is only 12 weeks old in my tummy! How can I decide if I am not even far enough to know what colors I want to paint the nursery? LOL!  Oh and then at 20 weeks which is 8 weeks away, I get the choice of knowing the sex of the baby, and I do, but don’t really want to know what the sex of the baby is.  I think maybe I will wait until it is born to see, but then… (See endless confusion in my brain, and it is not just because I am pregnant I am typically confused a lot lol!)

     Now that I am pregnant, I am even more clutsy, even more confuzzled(confused), and I get even more forgetful than normal! It’s not fair, my life is already confusing as is and now I add more because I am carrying a shrimp(that’s about the size of it right now :P).  I usually call it my little shreemp its my little nickname for it.  It used to be Feeshy(fishy) but as it grew I changed its name.  I love my little shreemp though, I cannot wait till I get to hold that cute little bundle of joy.   Yes I know it will cry, and it will need to be held a lot and it will sleep a lot, and eat, and poop, and sleep some more, but that’s one of the joys of being a mother lack of sleep :P.