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The Baby And I Today

     I just got back not long ago, from the visit with the midwife.  She said that it takes a lot longer to clear a cold than it would with a person not pregnant.  She also said that the coughing also takes longer to develope being pregnant, so no antibiotics yay!  Today there were no tests, wewt, she also said all my tests from last time were all normal.  You know how happy that made me?  Then I told her the increase in my water, she asked my eating habits, I told her, she said I am eating enough.  I am starting to show its really cool that I have a pregnant tummy begining.  I have another ultrasound on Friday, so they can make sure the right date of the baby, and make sure they know for certain how old it is.  She said the baby is strong, which is great to hear! I loved hearing its heartbeat I know its ok and that makes me feel great.  The baby’s heartbeat this time was 165 she said it goes down as the baby gets older, but still 165 that’s fast! When I weighed at the doctor’s office it said I weighed 131, which is what my scale here at home says, though I think both scales are off, because I had clothes on there, and I had to go to use the ladies room because I thought they might make me have to take a pee test again.  My mom did mention my insomnia, and the lady had said that could be due to depression, or due to being pregnant.  Maybe it is because I am battleing depression. 

    I have to exercise today, and I still have to finish up today, even though I am so very tired.  I want to sleep I barely got any last night.  But if I go to sleep then I might sleep the day away.  Oh what fun. The joys of being pregnant and being tired.  I wonder how much depression I am really going through… I talk more about what happens at night and during the day I seem to be drawn away from some of the things I love… Sometimes I wish it had never happened(not the being pregnant part)(the being engaged part) I wish I could go back and change when I first met him… I want to see a different side of me but the sadness, and anger, won’t go away!  You saw my earlier post I am sure where I talked about my beauty… does that say anything for how I feel?  I cry more than I think I should… I want to see the real me, the girl hiding underneath all the pain, but how can I get rid of pain when it won’t leave?  It stays like an endless cycle of the washing machine.  Sometimes I want to hide away, away from the world away from the pain, and be happy again.

    Sometimes I want to be wrapped in someones arms, comforted and told everything is going to be ok, I love you don’t you ever forget that, I am not going to leave you.  And actually mean it! Not just say it because that’s what he thinks should be said.  I want to be with the right man for the rest of my life.  But sometimes I think its impossible who could handle a girl like me? So confused, scarred, scars on my heart, hurt, a total wreck, afraid of getting hurt, of letting someone in… Maybe I am just crazy….


Today, Me, And The Shreemp.

     I have to say, life seems so amazing, since he left, and if he ever tried to talk to me, I’d have to tell him I have nothing to say to him except thank you.  I know a month ago I would of loved to have cut him down, now I just want to thank him. Thank him 

      I am excited to see so many of my friends so happy and in love, or married, its wonderful if you think about it!  But sometimes it depresses me to see so many of them happy.  But I remember theres God, my family, and friends who love me for now thats enough! 

      So, when I look in the mirrior I don’t really see a very pretty girl, or a beautiful girl.  I am not very comfortable with myself sometimes, and I don’t know what the guys in my neighborhood are staring at.  My parents and friends all say I am a very pretty girl or are very beautiful but, I don’t see it.  I know I should think a little bit more highly of myself, but how can I when I don’t feel it?  When I look in the mirrior and I just see me, nothing special about myself.  I think maybe the only pretty thing I see is my eyes, it’s like there is endless joy hiding in them, even though they cry sometimes more than I am used to them crying. 

        Today I have my appointment with my midwife I hope that goes well considering it’s my second appointment, and I really want to know if the baby is ok.  I want another ultrasound I want to hear that baby’s heart again! So I am way too excited!  I know I am still freaking out, watching my weight go up, after I worked hard to lose 65 pounds! and now I am going to gain half of that back! lol.  But Hey it won’t be hard to lose it considering I take care of myself! I continue to work out, and I will continue even after that baby is born.  I want that baby to have a very healthy mother, whom it will have to take care of it.  Ok so I have been asked by people if I planned to breastfeed, and I shocked a lot especially my midwife when I said yes.  I guess because most people would rather stick a bottle in the baby’s mouth than take the time to bond with the baby by breastfeeding it.   I know some people feel it means your spoiling the child, but call me old fashioned! It’s not it is actually better to breastfeed the baby it helps with so many things that regular formula cannot do.  I don’t bash anyone who would rather feed their child formula, that’s your own choice, but like I don’t bash you, they shouldn’t in turn bash us for wanting to feed our child by what God actually gave us breast for.  Oh and then my mom and dad have this dissagreement on cloth diapers.  I have no idea what I want to use, regular or cloth, and its funny to listen to them talk about it, she is for them, he isn’t. lol! They don’t argue but it is deffinetly something I have to decide on and I have no idea yet, the baby is only 12 weeks old in my tummy! How can I decide if I am not even far enough to know what colors I want to paint the nursery? LOL!  Oh and then at 20 weeks which is 8 weeks away, I get the choice of knowing the sex of the baby, and I do, but don’t really want to know what the sex of the baby is.  I think maybe I will wait until it is born to see, but then… (See endless confusion in my brain, and it is not just because I am pregnant I am typically confused a lot lol!)

     Now that I am pregnant, I am even more clutsy, even more confuzzled(confused), and I get even more forgetful than normal! It’s not fair, my life is already confusing as is and now I add more because I am carrying a shrimp(that’s about the size of it right now :P).  I usually call it my little shreemp its my little nickname for it.  It used to be Feeshy(fishy) but as it grew I changed its name.  I love my little shreemp though, I cannot wait till I get to hold that cute little bundle of joy.   Yes I know it will cry, and it will need to be held a lot and it will sleep a lot, and eat, and poop, and sleep some more, but that’s one of the joys of being a mother lack of sleep :P.

My feelings, and How I’ve delt with them

     I finally seeing my anger dissipating, I had so much anger towards the man that carelessly broke my heart after he swore to me many times he wouldn’t.  I seem happier and I have a glow about myself, that doesn’t seem to dissapear even though I am sick.  I remember right after it happened I had so much anger in me, that I could imagine horrible things happening to him.  I know its not my place to judge its God’s but that didn’t stop my anger from feeling the way it did.  I listened to a lot of songs that delt with my anger and how I felt, and now I slowly see myself listening to more and more songs that deal with me and how I feel about myself.  I am not exactly proud that I fell for such a con-artist but I don’t beat myself in the least, not anymore.  It happened and through God’s amazing Grace I was saved from a terrible marriage… I know I mentioned that before but sometimes my anger still wants to reach out and slap him for running the day before the wedding.  Other times my heart aches that he ran, but I just remind myself I am loved by family and friends and I DON’T NEED HIM.  No I am not yelling thats just what I remind myself.  I learned to deal with it and bounce back quickly letting my heart heal and moving forward.

      The baby is eleven weeks and four days old, and tomorrow it will be five days old.  Oh how exciting it is to know that when I walk around I comfort that baby to sleep, and that even though my stomache hurts occaisionally and my sleep sucks, I toss and turn every night.  That in the end it is all very worth it.  I cannot wait till the twentieth I go see my midwife again, and hopefully my cold has cleared up by then otherwise she will have to prescribe medicine for me… I really don’t want to have to do that if I can avoid it.  I wish I could find a pregnancy chat room, somewhere, where I could talk to women and see how they handle what they are going through and if they are close to how far along I am.  But yet to no luck, I have no luck finding a good Christian based one.  Eventually I am going to feel that baby move and I will probably go crazy excited! lol!

     Sometimes I wonder how I am going to handle being a mother… it’s not an easy task and can sometimes take all your time away, but to know life is coming excites me and then scares me.  What if I screw up, do something wrong… common worries maybe I am not sure.  But either way I plan to take care of the baby and be the best kind of mother I can be.

     I guess maybe I worry to much.  Fear of doing whats wrong… having to fall to learn what to do right next time…  But I guess that’s where my favorite quote comes in “Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.” Elenore Rosevelt.  🙂  I am trying to remember that now, to learn from others mistakes and know I can’t make them all myself, that’s why God gave me parents right? So I can learn from their mistakes, and know what not to do, or maybe what to do, cause sometimes a mistake can be the right thing.  🙂

My pregnancy So far

      Well ok for starts, today is the 11th I know on my blog it says the 12th but its not my dating is set wrong, anyway, today marks the start of me being 11 weeks pregnant! Yay!!!!  Let me tell you for me never having ever been pregnant before this has really taken a toll on my body.  The first month was ok, a little stressful, freaked me out when my period never showed up.  Some minor pains in stomache, nothing unusual.  Second month was an omg month, nothing says your pregnant like constant Nasuea! No joke, once I had finally seen the midwife whom told me to stop taking my prenatal vitamins and go to two flinstone chewable vitamins a day, my nasuea went away yipee! Morning sickness still happens but not all day.  Now that I am getting close to being done with this third month I have like this aweful metalic taste in my mouth that never goes away and it only seems to make nasuea worse, I have tried the cranberry juice it worked once and hasn’t worked after that, crackers work, but only for the moment, and I’ve not tried milk, because it seems milk is something that I can only have when my baby allows. 

      Exercise and being pregnant: Now one thing my midwife was surprised was that even though I was two months pregnant when I went to see her, I was determined to take care of my health and my weight.  I exercise its not really heavy, I do some minor weight lifting with a toning video, just little two pounds.  I do Lesli Sanson’s walking video her one mile three times a week, and her two mile once a week.  And lastly I do a leg toning video, squats and leg lifts.  She said that was all safe, things she didn’t want me doing was obvious, no over active arobics, no horseback riding, ect. 

     My Eating: my eating varies like any pregnant woman, but I do tell you I do my dangdest to eat the best I can! I usually average two through three fruits a day and about two vegitables a day. I should eat more I know but I try, thats what counts.  I dilute juice, because water makes me so very nasueas… freaks me out too.  I crave sweets out the wazoo, but I don’t give in I go for healthier snacks, and let me tell you those nicely flavored yogurts, sometimes I’ve noticed it calms my nasuea too, it also really help when your craving sweets but don’t want to eat a cinnamon bun for example.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t deny my sweets all together I have them in moderation.  I get nasueas when I think of certain foods, and then two hours later I may want that food weird right?  I have told my dad that my absolute favorite dish, smelled gross one time, freaked him out! lol!

     Now I got sick about two weeks ago, sadly I am not aloud to take any medication to get rid of the virus, I just have to let it run its course, but I have been drinking plenty of fluid and doing nothing but resting, getting out of the house on really cool evenings for a walk around my neighborhood, to relax and get some fresh air.  I am only really suffering from a minor cough, which when its a harder cough it hurts my stomache, I don’t know how many people out there have that problem, but coughing does hurt.  So does sneezing, and sometimes laughing lol!

      I have had people ask me why I chose a midwife, and I tell them because I want a doctor whom is going to be there for me, answering my questions like I am talking to a person, not a doctor, not that if I needed a doctor I wouldn’t go, but I don’t like all those terms they like to use, and some of them act like even though you are the woman, you know nothing about your own body.  I didn’t want that for my first pregnancy so I chose a midwife, and Now I am absolutely thankful that I did!  She was so very awesome, answered all my questions honestly talked to me like I was talking to a good friend.

God’s Way not ours.

  I have to tell you, I am amazed everyday at how God works in my life.  He saved me from a very aweful marriage, which I could not see at the time, but later began to understand what I was being saved from it upset me yes, but I was thankful that I was saved.  My family have been so supportive of me, and have truely been there for, same with my friends.  God has always taken care of my family through any of our needs, we do our share and He does the rest.  I have even prayed for friends safety and found out the next day, why I needed to because I saved a friend from losing her life that night, keeping her with her husband and her beautiful little girl.  I was so thankful.  He never lets anyones Prayers go unanswered, but He deffinetly does not do it on our terms or our time.  He makes us wait, wonder, and for those of us who do, we worry, we shouldn’t though. 

  He wants us to be patient, let me tell you if you want God to teach you patience pray for it, but be prepared He will deffinetly give you what you ask for with it.  But I am thankful that I prayed for that a while ago, it has given me more patience with my friends and family, and help me to grow in Him, because I am even more patient when I ask for things from Him. 

      A while ago I read Stepping Heavenward  A very amazing book, it taught me alot about being a better woman and following God, though I still have my faults. Who doesn’t?  But one thing that always hit me hard was this woman whom struggled with following God all her life was so willing to give her husband and her children over to God for him to take care of they were rightfully His anways what business did she have keeping them for herself?  I Gave my little blessing just warming up in the oven right now over to God already, I have asked God that He take care of this baby and watch over it, and I will do my part in brining it up for His glory.  Do you know how hard that is?  To honestly hand over something thats not even born yet? That you are carrying, and carrying, and nurturing, for Him?  It’s very hard but this little blessing was given to me by Him, so what right do I have to keep this blessing to myself?  It’s like I read in another book, when God gives you a blessing don’t keep it for yourself give it back to Him.  So it is something I have tried to follow ever since then.  

           As a Christian we seek God’s Eternal Guidance, following Him not as if we were mere puppets, not as if we were mere robots, but as if we have a choice as if we have a life to lead. A choice to choose between what He says is right and what we ourselves see society do, do we follow the mere crowd and give into peer pressure or follow that long strenuous path? It is not as if we were sent here to the earth, with all perfection, for no one can be perfect, with all issues of life being given to us on a silver platter, though we can try. It is truly amazing how hard we attempt to be the right kind of person, yet we fail over and over again, sometimes over the simplest of things, over a lesson He had to teach us that we have yet learn, or the pain of loosing a loved one. We seek him with everything, with all the terror, sadness, and anger that comes into our lives, with all the troubles and pain, with all the hard issues; but, we hardly ever seem to seek him when we are doing just fine and when everything in life is going great. We get to those points in our lives when we feel we don’t need Him, when we do that, we are in a sense saying we are God, we can handle our life issues on our own, we no longer need Him. He told us we are supposed to follow Him no matter what, even when things are not going according to our plans, everything He does is Eternally perfect; there is no flaw or a hint of a wrong thing. This is one of the biggest struggles seen in a lot of Christian lives, failing to keep on the path with Him, and then being angry with Him when their lives fail to meet up to their plans.  We shouldn’t be angry, we should be joyful and thankful that His plans are perfect and He knows what is best for us we do not.

      I hope this may help someone out there who is struggling,or maybe you just need a reminder, either way I hope it helps.

Healed Heart or Heart Break?

A Healed Heart moves on, a Broken Heart remains still
A life alone may be better than a life with the one
Who can’t see what he has done
While here I stand here afraid to move
A man on his knees prays for the day he will find me
He will save me from a life alone
Maybe its just silly to feel
That one day a man will prove
That they are not all the same
A Healed Heart moves on, a Broken Heart remains still
       Have you ever heard girls complain about how a guy truely broke their heart? And yet they are only 12-16?  I look at them and it kinda makes me laugh they have no idea what real love is.  They talk about how they love their man so much, and yet two days-two weeks later they have a new man that they love.  How is that true love?  It’s a wonder that some of us want whats real, while these young girls go around throwing love out their like its some kind of game, guys do it too.  

    The main reason I am posting this though is not to complain about those young girls, its maybe to help those young girls see, that a healed heart will move on, what I mean by this is that, when we have heartbreak and we move forward and remember that someone better is out there, we are letting our hearts heal.  But by standing still, we are allowing ourselves to relive the moment and if we keep running back to someone who does not care then we are only adding to our already shattered hearts.  We have to pick up our broken pieces and put them back together one by one so that one day we will meet that man of their dreams. It can be a slow and painful process picking up those pieces, while for others it may just be as easy as vacuuming the floor.  I know honestly what it feels like to have my already fragile female heart shattered into a million pieces by a guy.  It’s like he really didn’t care less, he just took it to the highest tower he could find and dropped it letting it shatter.  I was heart broken, and I am still battling it, I was engaged to this man for 10 months, almost a year, it was the night before the wedding so I know all about heart break…  But one thing I keep reminding myself is what I wrote and posted above “A man on his knees prays for the day he will find me. He will save me from a life alone”.  This man has no idea what he will be getting into, nor what kind of woman I am, but God is already preparing him to be the type of husband I will need, while he is preparing me to be the type of wife I need to be.  There are true men and women, for those of you young men who have lost someone you truely loved, who will be there for us when God deems it the right time.  It may not happen right away, but then again if God deems that you need that person in your life He will make it happen.  Sometimes it may take a lot longer than expected, but don’t give up!

       One thing I know that tends to help is to remind yourself that His plans are absolutely perfect, and that by learning to take care of yourself, and grow in the Lord and work towards being a better daughter/son you can make yourself a better woman/man for the man/woman God has picked out for you.  Don’t give up! Keep moving forward!

Moby Wrap Giveaway

This wonderful lady at Raising Olives is having a wonderful give away, for a Moby wrap. going here will give you all the info on the contest. Good Luck to all!